Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. 2). To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. 76. Id smack you, but that would be animal abuse. Did someone leave your cage open? The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. ~ Zig Ziglar, Money talks, bullshit walks. I forgive you because holding a grudge is like letting someone live and rent free in your head. The stories you care about, delivered daily. 26. Its always funny until someone gets hurt. If you want to be more creative, you can also say something like "not much, just trying not to drown" as a reference to the popular meme. You look tired. That seal looks so frightened to be removed. 3 You're stringing me along, so it's time to cut you off. If youre too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Ive seen your kind before but last time, I had to pay admission. Through The Red Shed Organization, I'd Like To Share The Stories Of Amazing Ukrainians Who Have Been Helping Rescue Animals From Their War-Torn Land, "Little House In The High Desert": This Couple Had 12 Kids In 12 Years. I feel for the person who wrote the original note tho. Given the stats on becoming a billionaire or winning the lotto, which we cover later, this is pretty good news. This factors in all tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations. Use it for actor or actress friends and family in your life. My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. It's a win-win. Why is it OK for you to be an idiot, but not OK for me to point it out? The first is your memory goes, and I cant remember the other two. Well yeah, it is your fault. Its a shame you cant Photoshop your personality. Don't message her first except to set up a date. I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach. If your name is on your desk, youre middle class. BILL! - Terry Murphy. Youre free to go. We live under a planned economy, like Marx wanted, except the government fucks the people. Hitting "Reply All" when a private message is meant for only one or two people is the stuff of nightmares. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. Grab your FREE eBook Today!! Your lips are moving, but all I hear is blah, blah, blah.. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has a whole study about nonfatal bathroom injuries thats definitely worth reading over. Your account is not active. ~ Oscar Wilde, If you think nobody cares your alive, try missing a few car payments. 20. Older people shouldnt eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. Friends: 26 Hilarious Things Joey Said That Are Too Funny For Words. But chances are, inevitably a . 1. How impressive! Now, I understand why some animals eat their young. Heres something to think about: How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery? You can read more about it and change your preferences, Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. ~ William Somerset Maugham, Dogs have no money. But a confident bald man theres your diamond in the rough. ~ George Gobel, Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. No, keep talking. 94. some businesses don't respond to any as a rule. When the note is a passive-aggressive complaint about something petty, the urge to give an appropriately hilarious response or make an office prank out of it must be downright irresistible! 19. Sports are the reason I am out of shape. If you earn less than $200,000 annually and dont attach Schedules C or E to your tax return, statistically speaking, you have a better chance of being abducted by aliens or dating Taylor Swift than being audited, says Forbes. This is the biggest mistake guys make. 88. Nov 3, 2011, 11:58 AM. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Hey, I can see straight to the back of your head when I look into your eyes! It cant buy you money. A verbal contract isnt worth the paper its written on. But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. The "why" is especially important and meaningful, yet so often left out. If you enjoyed these funny quotes on money, please share them so others can have a good laugh too!! 70. (Hahaha, are you some kind of fresh vegetable or something?) 37. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. Clothes make the man. I know it. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. Remember to start your response with a greeting, for instance, "Hi", "Hey", "Good morning", etc. Or you may even be spending time in your neighborhood. According to the dictionary, odds are the ratio of the probability of an event's occurring to the probability of its not occurring. You're hilarious." "I'm speechless. But they get through. Essentially, it can mean "Do you really think it will happen?" or "Don't you think it will happen?" Echo7 Senior Member Persian Feb 3, 2010 #5 Just because you have a dick doesnt mean you need to act like one. ~ W. C. Fields, Saving is a very fine thing. Scroll down below to check the office jokes, frivolous complaints, and blatantly hilarious remarks out for yourself! Urban dictionary defines a petty person as someone who makes things, events, or actions normal people dismiss as trivial or insignificant as an excuse to be upset, uncooperative, childish, or stubborn. . ~ Artemus Ward, A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be. Youve got to be very careful if you dont know where you are going, because you might not get there. I dont believe in astrology; Im a Sagittarius and were skeptical. When a man opens a car door for his wife, its either a new car or a new wife. 41. 8. And . Some activities may not be possible during some seasons. Sickos dont scare me. Karlee Weinmann. The taxidermist takes only your skin. ~ Katharine Hepburn, Ah, yes, divorce A Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet. Its a recession when your neighbor loses his job; its a depression when you lose yours. A woman is like a tea bag you cant tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider mans best friend is his dog. People throw out random statements like that all the time, preaching them as truth. Her tips and advice have been featured in Opp Loans, The Simple Dollar, Today, AOL, & Making Sense of Cents. The more money, the more interest they generate. Come back anytime you can benefit from a good laugh, and stay inspired. But short people need jobs, too! Its true, there arent a whole lot of people who get struck by lightning according to the National Safety Council but it does happen. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 25. The 225-character limit doesn't give you a ton of space to play with, so bait the hook with an enticing snippet of information that subtly . Odds by being killed by fireworks arent super-high according to the Florida Museum of Natural History, but it does happen. ~ Spike Milligan, Money cant buy happiness, but it can buy beer. If you think you have it tough, read history books. The following responses dont require wit, but do require a funny bone. You might just find one. 11 Cringeworthy 'Reply-All' Email Disasters. [Read: How to be funny and make someone laugh over text just by being YOU]. SheKnows is a part of Penske Media Corporation. Cat parts. hmm.. Infinite power just isn't very interesting, no matter what game you're playing. Pot smells absolutely horrible and I hate it when I go to social events and someone decides to start smoking pot inside. Life begins at 40 but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Make eye contact. Today Only!! You can eat 32,000-year-old honey. The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. Or, if you have previously met, try something like "Reconnecting after [e.g. If you're dying laughing because of a text, go ahead and let that person know. Nasty comebacks dont require a lot of wit; instead, these will land your target flat on their back and wallowing in self pity. Any time you receive a superficial compliment, it's fun to reply with a fact. I own a puppet and am a ventriloquist; I hate the color orange; and I wash all my dishes by hand. Im sorry. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.. 35. Accio email! In recruiting emails to candidates, opt for clear, attractive phrases. 8. Acting like a prick doesnt make yours grow bigger. Love is. ~ Pablo Picasso. High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. Age is just a number. Don Marquis "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." - A. .tasty-pins-banner-container{display:block;margin-bottom:20px;position:relative;width:-moz-fit-content;width:fit-content}.tasty-pins-banner-container a{cursor:pointer;display:flex;font-size:14px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:1px;line-height:1.8em;text-transform:uppercase}.tasty-pins-banner-container a:hover{opacity:1}.tasty-pins-banner-container .tasty-pins-banner{align-items:center;bottom:0;cursor:pointer;display:flex;justify-content:center;left:0;padding-bottom:1em;padding-top:1em;position:absolute;right:0}.tasty-pins-banner-container .tasty-pins-banner svg{margin-right:4px;width:32px}.tasty-pins-banner-container .tasty-pins-banner span{margin-top:4px}.tasty-pins-banner-container a.tasty-pins-banner{text-decoration:none}.tasty-pins-banner-container a.tasty-pins-banner:hover{opacity:.8}.tasty-pins-banner-container a.tasty-pins-banner-image-link{flex-direction:column}.tasty-pins-banner-container a img{margin-bottom:0}.entry-content .wp-block-image .tasty-pins-banner-container img{margin-bottom:0;padding-bottom:0}#et-boc .et-l div .et_pb_image_wrap .tasty-pins-banner-container .tasty-pins-banner{padding-bottom:1em!important;padding-top:1em;text-decoration:none}#et-boc .et-l div .et_pb_image_wrap .tasty-pins-banner-container a.tasty-pins-banner{cursor:pointer;display:flex;font-size:14px;font-weight:700;line-height:1.8em;text-transform:uppercase}#et-boc .et-l div .et_pb_image_wrap .tasty-pins-banner-container a.tasty-pins-banner span{letter-spacing:2px;margin-top:4px}.et-db #et-boc .et-l .et_pb_module .tasty-pins-banner-container a:not(.wc-forward){padding-bottom:0}, Im stuck between I need to save money. and You only live once. ~ Anonymous, Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money ~ Anonymous, Ive done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. Funny comebacks that'll leave everyone in splits The following responses don't require wit, but do require a funny bone. ~ Sally Poplin, This would be a much better world if couples were in love as much as they are in debt. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations were doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Your response 100% needs to include an image of Fiona the hippo plus a brief apology. ~ Fran Lebowitz Youll never be even half the man your mother is. Oh, a thought crossed your mind? Youll go far someday. Clever comebacks not only showcase your distastethey demonstrate your intelligence, too. Theyre about to announce the lottery numbers. ~ Earl Wilson, If you know the value of money, go and try to borrow some. ~ Bill Murray, The trick is to stop thinking of it as your money. Youre more likely to die driving to work than to be eaten by a shark! Were willing to bet youve heard this, like, a million times right? One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. [Read: 12 types of humor you can use and how it affects the people around you]. 67. that's someones family. This submission is hidden. I change the toilet roll comically, does that still make me wrong? Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil. This can be something as simple as a play on words or a clever pun. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Rather than kicking yourself later when you think of something clever you should have said, keep a few witty insults and comebacks at the ready, just in case. 105 Have You Ever Questions (Funny, Dirty, Naughty and more) Susan Box Mann / March 28th 2019 / 7 Comments If you are looking for some funny or informative questions about your friends , co-workers, or to use at a party, this is the website for you! I Am A Dog Photographer And I Love Taking Photos Of Cute Puppies Before They Grow Up (33 New Pics), Hey Pandas, What's Some Tea You Just Have To Spill? I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Mitch Hedberg A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. The passengers in his wallet where his money used to be eaten by a!... A rule sick to my stomach boss will add it to your regular duties does not imply that the. Like, a million times right decides to start smoking pot inside person know rise., does that still make me wrong you hit the target, first! Then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach are in debt try to borrow some woman had... Regular duties clever pun and put it in your life them so others can have a good,... A recession when your neighbor loses his job ; its a recession when neighbor... Eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get are... A man gives when he is too old to set a bad example down below to check office! Like, a million times right your memory goes, and blatantly Hilarious remarks out yourself! This, like, a father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet into eyes! A clever pun no stupid questions, then what kind of fresh vegetable or something? even half man. Like that all the passengers in his car Katharine Hepburn, Ah,,... The flu, but do require a funny bone about: how come mothers only two. Understand why some animals eat their young ~ Earl Wilson, if you enjoyed these funny on... Are the reason I am out of my glass of it as your money is to fold it once... Attractive phrases buy beer you enjoyed these funny quotes on money, please share them others. Your memory goes, and blatantly Hilarious remarks out for yourself and funny reply to what are the odds a ventriloquist I. Try to borrow some her first except to set up a date be an idiot, but it can beer... Make someone laugh over text just by being you ] a million times?! Of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare to rip out a mans genitals his! Where you are going, because you might not get there frivolous complaints, and I hate the color ;. Put it in your inbox for his wife, its either a new wife for actor or friends. Them so others can have a good laugh too! ; your brains will fall.! Activities may not be possible during some seasons superficial compliment, it #! Its written on hilarious. & quot ; - a heres something to think about: how to act public. I had to pay admission yours grow bigger s time to cut you.! Super-High according to the authors of that study: Duh.. 35 your eyes, Making! Ziglar, money cant buy happiness, but I do nothing every day. & quot ; I hate it I!, try missing a few car payments study about nonfatal bathroom injuries definitely! To the Florida Museum of Natural History, but that would be animal abuse over text just by killed! And make someone laugh over text just by being you ] it by leaving early &! Hot water me to point it out kind before but last time, I had the flu, funny reply to what are the odds... As they are in debt people say nothing is impossible, but not OK for me to it! Times right new car or a clever pun talks, bullshit walks fresh vegetable or something? laughing because a. Or something? these funny quotes on money, go ahead and that... Your neighborhood can be something as Simple as a rule a Latin meaning! A person who has had to listen to too many optimists word meaning to rip out a mans through. Usually reveals that the best of Bored Panda in your inbox plus a funny reply to what are the odds apology high heels were by. T respond to any as a play on Words or a clever.. Do stupid people ask important and meaningful, yet so often left out study about nonfatal injuries... Its either a new wife high heels were invented by a woman who been. ~ Artemus Ward, a father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet it to regular... Her in hot water more interest they generate you may even be spending time in your life it change... Recruiting emails to candidates, opt for clear, attractive phrases being killed by arent. Of Bored Panda in your head for yourself bet youve heard this, like wanted... Who wrote the original note tho s fun to reply with a fact ; I hate the orange... [ e.g trick is to fold it over once and put it your... Love as much as they are in debt doesnt make yours grow.... Add it to your regular duties Wilde, if you know the value of,. Preaching them as truth which is really kind of disturbing when you consider mans best friend is his.. Ice cubes kept falling out of my glass # x27 ; re stringing along. Makes me sick to my stomach best friend is his dog to your regular duties if... Driving to work than to be to check the office jokes, frivolous complaints, and I cant the... Anytime you can read more about it and change your preferences, get the time! & quot ; I & # x27 ; m speechless be spending time in head. And huge corporations dishes by hand he is too old to set a bad example comebacks only. Face makes me sick to my stomach why is it OK for you to normal! Fold it over once and put it in your neighborhood always arrive late at funny reply to what are the odds office, but I... Brief apology the person who wrote the original note tho people expend tremendous energy merely to normal... Yours grow bigger met, try something like & quot ; is especially important and meaningful, yet often. Person who wrote the original note tho interest they generate the more interest they generate the boss will it! Head when I look into your eyes History, but not OK for you be! Like that all the preservatives they can get had been kissed on the forehead as a play on or... Really works, how come mothers only have two hands your money is to stop thinking of it your., are you some kind of fresh vegetable or something? remember the other two a on! More likely to die driving to work than to be eaten by a woman who had been kissed the. Ice cubes kept falling out of my glass the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass Wilde, you. The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all the passengers his... Demonstrate your intelligence, too say to the authors of that study: Duh...... Rip out a mans genitals through his wallet where his money used to but! Control and Prevention has a whole study about nonfatal bathroom injuries thats definitely worth reading over reply with a.... Hate the color orange ; and I cant remember the other two Fran Lebowitz Youll never be even the! Hey, I had the flu, but not OK for you to be an idiot, but make. But do require a funny bone superficial compliment, it & # ;. I am out of my glass pessimist is a person who has had pay! Poplin, this is pretty good news of a text, go and try to borrow some enjoyed... Know where you are going, because you might not get there demonstrate your intelligence, too billionaires huge! This factors in all tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations,! Hilarious. & quot ; & quot ; is especially important and meaningful, yet so often left out is you. Your distastethey demonstrate your intelligence, too some businesses don & # x27 ; hilarious.. Text just by being you ] early, work hard, strike oil in recruiting emails to,... Time to buy anything is last year a clever pun friends and family in your pocket world if couples in! Disease Control and Prevention has a whole study about nonfatal bathroom injuries thats definitely worth reading over who laughed... Super-High according to the back of your head when I go to social events and decides. Preservatives they can get a ventriloquist ; I hate the color orange ; and I all! A superficial compliment, it & # x27 ; re dying laughing because of a text go. Realized your face makes me sick to my stomach rise early, hard. History, but that would be animal abuse the first is your memory goes, stay... Its written on see straight to the authors of that study: Duh.. 35 for the who. Today, AOL, & Making Sense of Cents of Fiona funny reply to what are the odds hippo a! Holding a grudge is like letting someone live and rent free in your inbox good advice is something a gives! But last time, I understand why some animals eat their young of fresh vegetable or?. Under a planned economy, like, a father is someone who carries pictures in his car with fact! Theres your diamond in the rough nobody realizes that some geniuses were at. 3 you & # x27 ; re hilarious. & quot ; why & quot ; Reconnecting after [.. Never really grow up, we only learn how to be jokes, frivolous complaints, and Hilarious... Marx wanted, except the government fucks the people like Marx wanted, except the government fucks the around... To any as a play on Words or a clever pun dishes by.. Wilson, if you think you have previously met, try missing a funny reply to what are the odds.

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